I believe in the necessity of conflict in relationships. I believe that, when done well, conflict can be healthy learning ground for collaboration, growth, and positive change.
I also know that many of us have been taught to be conflict avoidant. At different times in my life I know I have stuffed experiences of being disrespected, or devalued. Sometimes it feels safest to book a trip to the escapes of flight, freeze, or fawn for a long term vacation. These are ways my brain and body care for me, and for that I am grateful, but they aren’t meant to be long term residences. At times I have been a bystander to the mistreatment of others when I knew my voice would be heard, and that a simple risk of confrontation from my place of privilege could change a narrative. This conflict avoidance, pertaining to the needs of myself or others, is a violent silence. This passiveness enables harm to self and others.
On the other hand, many of us meet conflict with explosive, sometimes misaimed, recourse. Our society teaches punitive violence. One bad choice can place a person in the industrial prison complex for life. When harmed, we may fall into a knee jerk fight response. For me, letting my anger drive my reaction to injustice has not played well. It has been a negative side effect to choosing to no longer harm myself or others in passivity. Sure, it may damage my trust for someone I am collaborating with doesn’t follow through on their commitments. It then makes my part of the project impossible. Is a fighting warrior rage rant complete with tears the best way to change their behavior? Probably not. Does it open the door to being hurt further by the other persons flawed reaction. Yes, yes it does. Turns out fight ends in harm to self and others too.
So, what is this mythical “healthy conflict” that I believe is necessary to change our world?
It is in finding a third way between control and passiveness. A wise friend taught me this language this week:
“I noticed that______”
“I understood the expectation was_____”
“I am curious, is there something we need to clarify or change?”
THIS. IS. HARD. It is hard when you feel disrespected, angry, or hurt to make your way to curiosity, and be open to change. It is hard to listen to hear and not to respond.
I am not always good at it. It takes practice. Practice that I still need much more of. I can only do it from a place of sacred self worth. For me, this looks like slow deep breaths, a drop of awareness from my head to my heart, and an anchoring image. Sometimes I imagine a flame in my chest, the divine light that dwells in my being… Sometimes I remember my feet in a moving river, God flowing and moving around me. Spirit leads me in courage when I stand my sacred ground. I have been told that it takes 20 minutes for an activated body to regulate. Most often my reactive state is connected to fear. The fear is my body loving me, protecting me, honoring my sacred worth. It doesn’t do me any good to judge it, but I allow myself to convert it. With my breath pouring deep, my awareness grounded, and holding the image of divine fire or water I repeat to myself in my mind:
May I know my fear
May I know my faith
May I know my courage
In this process I find my way back to my belovedness. Your process will be unique to you, but you too are beloved. I still don’t know exactly where to find the unicorn of “healthy conflict,” but I am confident it is drawn to those anchored in love.
So, what about the poison ivy you ask? It is prolific at standing sacred ground.
I’ve learned that when I show up grounded in my belovedness and state “I noticed ____. I understood the expectation was ____. I’m curious, is there something we need to clarify or change?”, people who are not anchored in their belovedness, or expect me to be another passive ground cover, get ichy.
Poison Ivy is a plant attentive to boundaries like the edge between a forest and a field or a lawn and some woods. Articulating consistent expectations and boundaries, she is often in place of conflict, and is necessary for healthy community to thrive. Poison Ivy’s boundaries are not harsh or punitive. You can walk through them with careful intention. Our skin is not initially sensitive to her itchy oils, but our skin looses tolerance with repeat careless exposure. Steady and persistent Poison Ivy holds her sacred ground. She nurtures the perimeter of her ecosystem, creating safety and freedom for those within. She is steady offering support as one of the only plants feeding birds through the harsh late winter.
To all of those speaking loving truth to power, may you know Spirit with you on your sacred ground.